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Charles the Home Ec Baby

Posted on January 25, 2012 by jenna | 9 Comments | Uncategorized

Remember the school assignment where your home ec teacher made you dress up a 5-pound bag of flour or sugar and carry it around like it was your little darling? The point of this exercise was to terrify you out of teenage sex.

Even at 13 years old I knew that having a child would be nothing like schlepping around a wheat product dressed in a onesy. For heaven’s sake, our sugar babies didn’t even cry. Someone must have had a similar thought, because I recently had a run-in with a rather high-tech sugar baby.

Before I tell you about Charles, the Home Ec Baby, let me give you a run down of mine and David’s 3-tiered plan for becoming parents:

Step 1: Acquire a plant and keep it alive for 3+ months.

This step took quite a bit of trial and error. Who knew a basil plant couldn’t be expected to thrive with no water while we vacationed in Europe? It’s not like common sense has anything to do with plant parenting.

Step 2: Acquire a pet and keep it alive.

Success. He is a fearsome 13 lbs, and grumbles at the slightest provocation. Yesterday I found 16 assorted squeaky and/or chewy toys in David’s office. He is also the worst jump-up-on-you kind of dog imaginable. Sorry house guests.

Step 3: Baby.

(silence.)

 Step 3: BABY.

(Huh?)

Oh yeah. I guess its getting to be that time. We’re in our first house. A beautiful one. And as the song goes: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a house!

Or at least that’s how our song is going.

So the day we moved into our house I enlisted my little sister Jo to babysit The Grumbler, as he and his jumping were not going to be an asset to our move. Jo ended up watching his high-maintenance little booty for hours. So I couldn’t say no when she called and asked if I would babysit Little Baby Charles for a few hours.

You see, it was Jo’s week in her Home Economics class to have a weekend with the “Baby Think It Over infant simulator.” Sounds cute, right?

It isn’t.

Baby Think It Over is basically a computerized baby doll that is programmed to cry, eat, and make a general nuisance of itself.

Every weekend Baby Think It Over gets a new name and a new parent. The junior high parents are supposed to care for Baby Think It Over as though it were real. Its head has to be supported, it has to be fed, and it wakes up in the middle of the night. Oh, if Baby Think It Over could talk.

My mom and Jo met me for a morally questionable baby hand-off in a parking lot. Baby Charles and his stuff was passed through the window, and just like that I became a parent.

For the first hour nothing happened, and David and I continued unpacking the house. Then I heard some snuffling from the next room. My computerized baby motherly instincts kicked in, and I raced to Charles’ aid.

First I waved my special parent key on Charles’ back so he would know I was there. Then I tried changing his special magnetized diaper. He kept crying. I tried rocking him. He cried harder. Finally I grabbed his bottle and smashed it up against his painted mouth. He cooed. And then I had to feed him for 20 minutes until he finally quieted down.

It was still funny at this point.

But a few minutes later he started snuffling again. I tried the bottle. No go. I tried the diaper. Nothing. I rocked him. His whimpers lessened. I rocked him for 13 minutes.

It was now less funny.

I was tired. I’d been moving all day. And I had an extremely needy doll.

When it was time for dinner we drove to a 50’s style drive-in restaurant so as to avoid stares. Halfway there I realized I had’t buckled in Baby Charles’ carrier. I wondered how many drivers had seen our moderately lifelike baby shifting around the back seat.

Oops.

But my pity for the baby was short lived. Because Little Baby Charles cried in the car. Little Baby Charles cried as I tried to order dinner. Little Baby Charles cried as I desperately texted Jo. Little Baby Charles cried until David swore at it.

Finally, Jo and my mom came to pick him up. I was sitting in the middle of our new living room with boxes and assorted Little Baby Charles stuff all around me. I was frazzled. I was exhausted. I may have just grown my first gray hair. The baby had cried about every 15 minutes. Jo told us that he had cried only a handful of times for her the whole weekend.

That’s when I had to tell my mom that the grandchild project had officially been delayed due to the bad influence Little Baby Charles.

I’m not sure if we were the intended target, but Baby Think It Over had a profound impact on this couple.

At least Jo got an A.

 

Outcome of the 90 Day Fitness Challenge

Posted on January 11, 2012 by jenna | 7 Comments | 90 Day Fitness Challenge

Remember when I posted about the 90 Day Fitness Challenge I started on October 15th? Those 90 days have come and gone. A few people have asked me recently how it went and I realized I went completely silent about it on my blog.

(It’s not because I gave up.)

Although I’m not pretending that wouldn’t be very me to do. I am very good at sticking with things, but I am also very good at getting excited about new projects and dropping them before you can say Apple-Pie-Should-Never-Be-Served-With-Cheddar-Cheese. (Which it shouldn’t.)

I think it’s because things suddenly got very personal. I write about a lot of stuff here–about my husband, my books, my friends, my home, heck, even my boobs, but body stuff… Well, you know how it is.

When I started the 90 Day Challenge these were my goals:

  1. Lose weight
  2. Build some mean muscles
  3. Get good at Obsidian
  4. Blog often about health and fitness

I worked my booty off. Even with a persistent setbacks (they will always be there), most of which had to do with my feet, I worked out a ton. I tried my absolute hardest to eat well. I bought a scale to help me measure my foods and calculate calories. I wore my DASH wristband to remind me of my goal.

Wow. Can I be totally candid here? I am shaking just a tiny bit while I write this. I know from your comments that you people are good people–supportive, loving, friendly, so I’m going to keep telling you about all this–but bear with me. This is not my usual topic. Or tone.

Yes. The Green Lemon just got all serious on you.

Let me give you a little bit of history.

When I was younger I lived and breathed ballet. I wanted to be a professional ballerina more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. When I turned 12 I was accepted into a professional company’s school and I danced like my life depended on it. I also stopped eating. I weighed 90 lbs. and didn’t think it was good enough. I learned how to count calories and just how few I could live off of before my starvation mode kicked in and I had to down bowl after bowl of Lucky Charms. Teachers praised my weight loss, but I knew something was wrong because I was so tired all the time that I couldn’t make friends. Somehow (divine intervention?) I managed to catch myself right before going over the edge. I stopped counting potato chips. I kept dancing, but I worked hard to keep a positive body image.

Really hard. To the point that it became one of my defining features.

That lasted a long time.

Then came the anxiety. When I was in college I started having all sorts of issues ranging from anxiety attacks to depression. During that time I gained some weight (now that I look back I feel it is most likely due to new medications I started taking) but took it off with Weight Watchers.

A short while after I got married something went awry. Amidst some other health problems I gained 20 lbs. with no apparent changes to my diet. I completely panicked. If I’m honest I’d say I probably tried about 20 different diets–one for each extra pound. At one point I was eating only vegetable juice and salads and still gaining weight. That was a bad, bad time in my life. I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t do anything, but obsess about my weight.

After getting some medical issues resolved the weight slowly started to come off. But the experience left some permanent damage. I went from confident about my body to obsessed with weight. My sweet, sweet husband was completely bewildered. I’d lost my body confidence–something that was as me as could be–and it didn’t seem to be coming back.

So then I started the DASH fitness challenge.

A few weeks into the challenge one of the teachers offered a relaxation and guided imagery class to help everyone who was doing the challenge. I’m not new to that sort of thing–I love meditating and doing yoga–so I knew I wanted to take part. The teacher led us through some mental relaxation then she had us visualize ourselves looking in a mirror. She had us picture unzipping ourselves from our extra weight, and stepping out of it like a pair of pajamas, then looking at ourselves in the mirror.

I saw myself right away. And I was gorgeous.

I was slim, and strong, I even had long hair and clear skin, but what I really noticed was that I seemed to be glowing. The person I was looking at was so calm, and so loving and so peaceful. It was like she had been patiently waiting there for me all along. She knew what I’d been dealing with, she knew about all the changes in my life, and the health issues, and the emotional issues, and she didn’t judge me for one second. She didn’t care about my jean size, or whether or not I looked good in a bikini. She just was.

Then the teacher asked us to realize what emotional reasons were keeping us from losing weight. My answer came immediately–there was a definite reason I had struggled to get rid of the extra weight–and it wasn’t because I love snicker shakes. That reason is too personal for me to tell you here, but can i tell you that it was real?

When I got home that night I looked in the mirror. I felt good. I felt calm.

The next day I looked in the mirror again and what I saw made my heart jump. I had just seen a flash of the woman I’d seen during the visualization class. Only this was real. But that couldn’t be right. My BMI was still higher than the chart said it should be. There was no way I could be okay with 5 extra pounds holding me back.

A few days later I saw the girl in the mirror again, but this time she stuck.

I had one of the most shocking realizations of my life. I already looked like the girl in my  meditation. I looked great. I looked fit. I was wearing skinny jeans and had noticeable triceps. I had a curve from my ribs to my hips. I wasn’t quite there, but I was pretty darn close.

I yelled for David and demanded that he take a good look at me. I asked him if I’d changed drastically in the past 48 hours. I made him swear he was telling me the truth that I’d looked this way for a long time, and hadn’t he been trying to tell me that for ages? I pulled off my shirt to make sure I was really seeing my torso correctly.

It felt like I’d taken off a pair of dark sunglasses. My head had been so trapped for so long that I hadn’t realized all of the progress I’d made over the past year. I couldn’t even really see myself.

And then I felt free. Free, free, free.

It felt so good.

Two weeks ago I started working at DASH. That place is the kind of environment I want to be in.

And I do regularly dance around in front of the mirror in my skinny jeans when I’m home alone. It doesn’t mean all my body woes are gone. It doesn’t mean they all magically disappeared. It doesn’t mean I’m a size 6, or even a size 8. But man, I made some progress.

And that is good enough for me.

Another Actual Conversation From an Actual Marriage

Posted on January 9, 2012 by jenna | 4 Comments | Holy Matrimony, Just for Fun

We’re sitting on our new couch. The very first piece of furniture we’ve ever purchased. Okay, we’re not sitting, we’re sprawling. His head is on one end, mine is on the other. Its a microfiber heaven. There’s really no reason for us to ever leave it.

And then I say “I’m thinking about writing a post on what my Christmas list would be if I could have absolutely anything. Guess what #1 would be?” (It was a tiny giraffe that runs on a treadmill, like on THIS commerial. People have actually tried to order them.)

But he says “A baby elephant?” And that stops me. Because not only did he guess some sort of infantile jungle creature (close, very close to my original number 1), but he was totally right. I would choose a baby elephant.

I have a fierce love for baby elephants. Ever sine baby Zuri was born at the Hogle Zoo. She was 251 lbs of pure joy. I went to see her 3 times after her unveiling. I once saw her resist a nap for so long that she fell asleep standing up and fell down. Another day she spent a full ten minutes trying to climb over a log and me and the whole crowd clapped when she finally made it. I almost peed my pants when a friend recently told me that Zuri taught herself to do headstands. Please watch this video of her if anything is wrong in your life. Or maybe this one. Your problems will instantly go away.

That’s when the following happened:

HUSBAND: If me and a baby elephant were tied to train tracks and you could only rescue one of us, which would it be?

WIFE: (Long, thoughtful pause. Then in a hopeful voice) Will it always stay a baby?

HUSBAND: Yes.

WIFE: Does it like watermelon?

HUSBAND: Loves it. And popcorn.

WIFE: Does it have theme music that plays wherever it goes?

HUSBAND: Yes.

WIFE: Will it ever get to be over 500 pounds?

HUSBAND: No.

WIFE: Can I ride it?

HUSBAND: Yes.

(WIFE pauses for dramatic effect. They both know what’s about to happen but WIFE wants to make it look like she’s at least a little conflicted.)

WIFE: (patting husband lovingly) I’m sorry. But I guess this is G’bye.

(Scene fades.)

Note to readers: If anyone knows a guy who knows a guy who might be able to get me a baby elephant, please email me promptly. I promise the elephant will have a very good home. A new split level house with a large garden, a room painted with tinkerbell fairydust, a nearby dog park for all her haloomphing, and a shihtzu to keep her company. Plus a devoted mother who will never tire of watching DUMBO with her and makes a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies.

And in case you were wondering, here’s what the rest of my fantasy Christmas list would be:

  1. Baby elephant.
  2. An old fashioned bath tub with feet. That I’d never have to leave.
  3. A chocolate fountain that runs 24/7.
  4. A sky blue T-bird convertible.
  5. For someone to include me in a flash mob.

Yep. That about does it.

 

How to Backcomb Your Hair And Not Look Like Snookie

Posted on November 30, 2011 by jenna | 1 Comment | Beauty, How To's

This is Emily. She is about to become your hair’s new best friend.

Not really. You’re far too late. I’ve already dibbsed her as my hair’s new best friend. Guess you should work on your speed work.

There’s a reason Emily and my hair are now wearing the two parts to a BFF charm necklace. Thursday something magical happened. Emily taught me to do my hair. Yes. At the age of 25, I learned to do my hair.

Better late than never.

Please tell me there are others out there. Girls who are girly in the sense that they have to pretend to know what’s going on while watching football, and secretly channel Marilyn Monroe when putting on lipstick, and love a good chick lit novel–but somehow missed out on Basic Woman School. You know, where you learned how to put on eyeliner and wear high heels longer than two hours and make your hair look good.

Have mercy I cannot do my hair.

Recently Emily took pity on me. Let me tell you a few things about her. First off, she’s hilarious. Like really, really funny. Second off, her hair always looks amazing. Like shampoo commercial amazing. Third, she can wear  mens plaid shirts and look completely pulled together.

Try not to hate her. Because she’s here to help.

Back combing is a big thing here in Utah. Literally. There’s an amusement park just north of Salt Lake that I like to think of as the Bump-It Capitol of the world. Girlfriend could hide a hamster in all that mess.

But if done right, backcombing can be awesome.  You can fake all kinds of amazing body and lift! You can hide your egg shaped head! You can do lots of other stuff that require exclamation points! (I am generally frugal with these, but good back combing really is awesome.)

!

Emily, bless her, has agreed to demonstrate her sophisticated ratting techniques on camera. Here are a few things I learned:

  1. Use a fine toothed comb
  2. Work with small sections of hair
  3. Back comb hair along the shape of your head (if you’re backcombing the hair right above your ear keep your comb’s teeth pointed towards that spot, not slanted towards front of head, etc.)
  4. Back comb with circular motions.
  5. Comb down the top layer of hair so your hair looks smooth on top.

Emily demonstrates here. 20111110_195514 (If your video is choppy you can right-click the link and save it.)

Is your hair looking for a new best friend? Call Emily. She’s a genius. She works at Salon MC in Salt Lake City. Email her at Emily.Matthews@gmail.com.

Just do it.

Now get out there and work your hair ladies. Next up: How to CURL YOUR HAIR. Brace yourselves. I’ve been walking around with sexy wavy hair for the past 4 days.

The Sexiest Man Alive

Posted on November 23, 2011 by jenna | 5 Comments | Just for Fun

First things first. This is Ryan.

You’re welcome.

And now for the obvious: WELCOME TO MY NEW BLOG!

Isn’t it dreamy?

I’ve been a bit absent the last few weeks as we’ve been trying to get this fabulous new design underway. We’re almost there. But I couldn’t wait anymore. I have about 30 post ideas a day and they’re starting to really gum up my brain.

Plus I really feel the blogging world needs my opinion on People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 2011 nomination. Now, I’m sure this is way more information than you’d really like to have, but I’d have to say that over 94% of all my daydreams consist of me busting some kind of awesome dance moves and wowing everyone around me in a variety of settings (think Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels). The other 6% consist of Ryan Gosling, Taylor Lautner (hair short, shirt off), and Patrick Swayze in the late 1980′s maybe singing “She’s like the Wind…”

Sorry, David. Maybe I won’t tell you about this post.

So imagine my surprise when in the checkout line this week I saw this cover:


Bradley Cooper.

Huh.

My immediate thought was: It should have been Ryan Gosling, but whatever.

The next day on the radio I heard that many other people had had the exact same thought but simply couldn’t let it go. In fact, groups of people have been protesting outside of People’s magazine’s HQ’s because they think he was robbed.

It was a weird feeling to realize that I am 100% in agreement with a bunch of crazed fans standing around the streets of NYC with Ryan Goseling masks on.

America, I’m completely with you on this.

So what’s your opinion? Who should have won? Cooper? (Said in bored tone to trombone overtones of “wah, wah, wahahahahah”…) OR, Ryan Gosling. You know, the one who was so amazing on The Notebook (banned from our household because David claims it makes me go “crazy.” Whatever.). Or the Ryan Gosling of Crazy, Stupid, Love that did that Dirty Dancing move that would have worked on me lickety split?

Chose the right. I believe in you.

Almond Joy Oatmeal

Posted on November 10, 2011 by jenna | 4 Comments | 90 Day Fitness Challenge, Food & Cooking, Serenity Now


Dead giveaways that I am hormonal:

  1. Crying during United Way commercials.
  2. Attempts to make an otherwise healthy breakfast resemble a chocolate bar.

Let’s skip over the whole United Way thing. I tried to explain it to someone and ended up sounding crazy. Story. Of. My. Life. Anyway, oatmeal.

I wanted to make Chocolate Covered Katie’s recipe but had only about 28% of the ingredients plus some Ritz Crackers. So I made up my own. And let me tell you–its going to be a staple around here.

ALMOND JOY OATMEAL

  • 1/2 cup old fashioned oatmeal
  • 1 packet of Stevia
  • 1 T unsweetened, shredded coconut
  • A few chocolate chips
  • 1 cup unsweetened chocolate almond milk

Cook your oatmeal and add the rest of the ingredients, then stir it up until it is melty and chocolately and makes you feel inspired and weepy. Just like a United Way commercial about creating jobs. (It was sad, okay?)

(Calories=270. Joy Factor=97.)

You Have to Read: The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid, by Bill Bryson

Posted on November 4, 2011 by jenna | 3 Comments | You have to read...


 People, listen up.

I feel the need. The need to read.

Please know that every book I recommend I am downright passionate about. This one is no exception.

I read Bill Bryson’s The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid at the recommendation of my dad who kept referring to a character named “Milton Milton” and then cracking up. Clearly I needed to investigate.

It is a memoir of Bryson’s life growing up in the 50′s smack dab in the middle of suburban USA. He looks at all the ridiculousness of that time period (think people picnicking at nuclear bomb testing sites and bragging about their Nimbus 5000 refrigerators) with such an affection that it made me wish I’d been there to see it.

Hilarious content aside, this man can write. Really really write. I kept getting fixated on sentences that were just so perfect and whitty that I could feel my skin turning a delicate shade of emerald green.

And if all that doesn’t convince you, this book contains the single greatest belly flop scene in the history of American literature. That alone is worth a read.

You can also check out this animated excerpt of the book, which shows one of the funniest scenes in the novel.  Enjoy!

What is the funniest book you have ever read?

Dash Fitness Challenge WEEK ONE

Posted on October 27, 2011 by jenna | 1 Comment | 90 Day Fitness Challenge

This is me after one week of the challenge.

Well, not really.

But I have been in mad pursuit of some bright pink leggings to wear to Obisidan class. I’m also smiling that big approximately 87% of every day. And that’s an upswing.

Week one was big, but I haven’t wanted to write much about it until I had some kind of proof that it was working.

It is.

My first weigh in was Tuesday morning. Technically I’ve been following my eating/fitness plan longer than 1 week, because the day I started was actually a few days before the actual start date. But great news:

1. I have now completed THREE Obisidan classes without:

  • a) puking,
  • b) slipping on one of my little booties
  • 3) using inappropriate language

Wow those classes make a difference. And I’ve loved trying something new, because I’m excited to go, even if I’m crying a little bit at the end. There was one move today (helicopter?) that involved a figure skater spin that made me all kinds of happy.

2. I lost weight.

About 3 pounds. And I’m eating more than I used to. (Winning, Charlie Sheen. Winning.)

3. For the first time in a long time, I’m not fixating on my weight.

I am totally content doing my work and allowing the results to show up without obsessing over them. I feel an awful lot healthier in my head about my diet and exercise than I ever did on Weight Watchers, South Beach, or any of the other things I’ve tried.

4. I can sort of see some muscles.

I was doing mountain climber this afternoon and looked up in the mirror and saw a TRICEP. And it wasn’t on the guy next to me. It was on me. Holy bonanza.

In other news:

I went clothes shopping this week and the lady at the store told me my jeans were way too big and I needed to buy some new ones. I told her absolutely not. These things are going to be getting an awful lot bigger by the time January rolls around. I may have to channel my inner 90′s teenage boy and buy some really cool boxer shorts to wear under my sagging jeans.

My husband claims my butt is getting bigger. But in a good muscley way. I let it slide. (One day I’ll write a post on things he’s said to me that were meant as compliments but completely backfired. “You could be a Gen X model” is one of them. Oh I love that man.)

I (sort of) kept up with the Step Class Queen. If you’ve ever been to Step at Dash you’ve seen her. She is extremely good. She gets all the combinations right away and manages to have loads of energy at 6 AM on a Tuesday. I put my bench right next to her so I could feed off her energy and coordination. Step Class Queen, you know who you are. Body Pump Queen, I’ll talk about you another time.

I have been cooking like a crazy lady. Really really good healthy things, mingled with things like dark chocolate covered pretzels and healthy-ish chocolate chip cookies. More on this later.

I am loving this fitness challenge. I really really am.

 

 

My Oatmeal Problem & A Recipe for Oatmeal Pancakes

Posted on October 22, 2011 by jenna | 5 Comments | 90 Day Fitness Challenge, Food & Cooking, Healthy Meals

I just pulled 4 different boxes of oatmeal from my pantry. I may have a problem. An oaty one.

But really, people, is there anything better than a hot bowl of oatmeal, sweetened with brown sugar and topped with milk? Only if you add walnuts. And maybe throw in a gift certificate to a spa.

I am a firm believer that anyone who doesn’t like oatmeal was 1) forced to eat something masquerading as oatmeal in their youth (think porridge) or 2) has given up on life.

As I write about this I am realizing my passion. Or is it a problem? I guess I don’t know the difference.

I’m just encouraging you to give oatmeal a try. Particularly if you’ve been eating that gross instant stuff that comes in little envelopes with dried up bits of fruit in it. (Okay, that stuff is pretty good too, but now I’m a purist.) This stuff is so good for your blood sugar. It’s good for your digestive system. And it sticks to your ribs on a cold October morning when you are leaving the house to fulfill your duties as a lumberjack. Or whatever it is you may do.

And there are so many different kinds! Instant, old fashioned, steel cut…

This is my current favorite:
I discovered this one at my favorite place for breakfast in SLC–Millcreek Cafe. Their oatmeal is legendary. The last time I was there I badgered our server until she’d given me all the info she could on my particularly delicious bowl. It is Quaker Steel Cut Oats (these take longer to cook) cooked in a sauce pan, and topped with candied walnuts, milk, and brown sugar.

I think a tear just dripped down my face.

Or maybe I’m crying because of how bad I smell after my (very) hard Bodypump class this morning.

This morning I wanted to get creative with my oatmeal. I was also starving from my very hard workout. (Did I mention that already? Did I just hear someone ask for a photo of my now impressive biceps? Maybe later.) I made some pancakes from a recipe in my new favorite cookbook: The Best of Clean Eating.

Oatmeal Pancakes

Ingredients:

  • 1 & 1/4 cups Old-fashioned oats
  • 1 & 1/4 cups 1% milk
  • 1 egg
  • 1 cup whole wheat flour
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 TBSP canola oil

Directions:

Mix oats and milk together and let sit for 5 minutes. Stir in oil and egg. Add flour and baking powder. Spoon out 1/4 cup sized pancakes onto hot pan. Let sit until browned on bottom, then flip. Serve with butter.

This made 9 very filling and delicious pancakes. (I could only eat 2.) Just the kind of fuel I needed. Please have one in honor of me.

Yesterday Was a Bad Day, But I Do Love Book Club

Posted on October 21, 2011 by jenna | 2 Comments | 90 Day Fitness Challenge, Books & Reading, Healthy Meals

Some days just don’t work. Yesterday was one of those days.

It started at 3:30 AM when Giacomo (our 12 lb. shihtzu with an Italian name) started wigging out. The day before I’d taken him to the groomers/vet and asked them to check and clean out his ears because I’d noticed he was shaking his head. They ended up finding 2 foxtails (the plant kind) in his left ear that have been there since who knows when, and causing him all kinds of pain. They ended up having to put him under to remove them.

When David picked Giacomo up at the end of the day he was a bit woozy, which I have to admit was kind of nice because normally he is racing through the house terrorizing pens, couches, house guests, and any unfortunate bug who manages to get in his way, like some kind of miniature godzilla. However, in the middle of the night he started crying and getting upset. David had a long day of work ahead so I decided to just get up with him and let him terrorize for a while so at least one of us could sleep.

At 6:00 AM I decided to go to my Body Combat class at Dash. I normally love this class–it makes me feel rather tough–but I was so off my game. Now I was the woozy one. I seriously considered ducking out early a few times but I stayed with it.

By the time I got home at 7:30 David was heading off to work and I got back in bed. I didn’t wake up until 11:30 and even then felt really crappy. I had a late breakfast, and forgot to eat much of a lunch. Then for dinner I decided to make Skinnytaste’s Slow Cooked Sweet Barbacoa Pork, which sounded amazing. However, there was a bit of a meat error: apparently a pork roast and a pork tenderloin are two very different things. That meat would not shred. I was really bugged. I was already feeling really crappy, and this minor annoyance turned me into what Jack Sparrow (and my husband) would call

A Terrible Beasty.

Finally it was book club time. David suggested I stay home (perhaps to minimize the effect my terrible mood was going to have on the world), but I insisted I had to go.

Oh  I love book club. I need that girl time every month.

Here are the things our club talked about last night:

  • Ghosts
  • Squash
  • Weird stuff we’ve done under anesthesia
  • High school boys who were creepy
  • Whipped cream
  • Psychics
  • Blogs we hate because the girls who write them weigh 90 lbs and make gigantic chocolate cakes every day
  • Whether or not dressing as Lucy and Ethel in the factory scene works for a Halloween party themed “1940′s Hollywood Red Carpet”
  • Which of our friends had the scariest big sister in the history of the world
  • Who hates dressing up for Halloween
  • What to call cookie dough dip made out of chickpeas (it was delicious)
  • How Ali Fife’s brother looks like Jesus
  • Medical literature
  • Pinterest
  • Over the counter drugs
  • Illegal drugs
  • Whether or not we are part of the “cool group” at work/school
  • Weddings we didn’t love
  • Mothers in law
  • How your astrology sign affects your sex life
  • Socks

Oh yeah, and:

  • Memoirs of a Geisha, by Arthur Golden (If you have not read this, then 1) go get it, 2) cancel everything else this weekend. That is all I’m going to say.)

Book club makes everything right.

By the time I got home I was only a moderate beasty. And that is a huge improvement. But at 10:30 PM I was starving. I hadn’t eaten my protein. I hadn’t had my water. I hadn’t eaten regularly, and I really hadn’t had a great breakfast. I ended up eating a couple of pork tacos and some highly salted rice crisps. This morning I woke up with a stomach ache and awful heartburn.

Which means that today I must TRY AGAIN.

Thank heavens every day is a new chance.

Eat Your Breakfast or be a Sumo

Posted on October 20, 2011 by jenna | 9 Comments | 90 Day Fitness Challenge, Healthy Meals

At the Dash Obsidian Challenge kick-off I learned something rather interesting:

When sumo wrestlers want to put on weight the first thing they do is skip breakfast. This helps keep their metabolism low, and let’s them glory in all their hefty good looks.

So if this is what you’re going for, then by all means skip your breakfast.

As part of my fitness challenge I am eating 6 times a day (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack), eating a mix of carbohydrates and protein, and making breakfast my biggest meal of the day. I’m aiming for about 400 calories for breakfast. Here are my favorite breakfasts so far:


Yogurt with Granola, Grapes & Honey 

  • 1 cup non-fat, plain Greek yogurt
  • 1/4 cup granola (try Udi’s Original, it’s divine)
  • 1 cup halved grapes
  • 1 tsp. honey


Breakfast Burrito

  • whole wheat tortilla filled with:
  • 1/8 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
  • 1 egg scrambled in 1 tsp. canola oil
  • 1 cup sauteed veggies (mushrooms, bell peppers, green onions)
  • Add hot sauce or salsa

Delicious. I think my fellow-athlete would agree.

Or maybe not. But I definitely don’t want to disagree with this guy.

He is fearsome in his diaper.

How I’m Getting Fit, Losing Weight, and Becoming All-Around Awesome in 90 Days

Posted on October 17, 2011 by jenna | 6 Comments | 90 Day Fitness Challenge

“The only difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline.” –Steve Smith.

Yes, you read that correctly. I just began my post with an inspirational quote that did not involve The Diary of Bridget Jones. I think a storm is brewing.

In fact, it is. I’m about to get fit in 90 days.

A few months ago I joined Dash Fitness Studios in Salt Lake City. It’s basically Disney Land for really fit, pretty people. It’s a 2 room studio that offers Les Mills classes (body pump, step classes, kick boxing), yoga and zumba. The owners, Lacey and Erin, also created a program called Obsidian—something I’d heard whispers of around town. All I knew is that it’s really, really hard, so it took me several weeks to build up my courage to try it.

These two gorgeous ladies are Erin & Lacey. You can see why people would want to follow their lead.

In an Obsidian class, every participant is assigned a yoga-mat sized “slider,” which is basically a really slick surface with ledges on either end to keep you from flying off it, banana-peel style. After a few minutes of jumping up and down in a rather enthusiastic warm-up, Erin had us put booties on our feet and mitts on our hands and began a series of exercises using the board. We skated side to side (harder than it looks and sounds), slid from plank to down-dog, and ran our legs up and down (mountain climbers).

When I got home from that first class David sent me an IM asking how it went.

I told him I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

Can I just qualify this? I ran all summer. Earlier this year I ran a half marathon. I’ve been working out (hard) about 4 days a week for at least a year now. But apparently there’s in shape, and then there’s Obsidian in shape.

I want to be Obsidian in shape. And this is how I’m going to do it.

A few times a year Dash Fitness does this great thing called the Obsidian Challenge. Basically you pay a $35 entrance fee and compete for 12 weeks against all the other entrees to lose the most weight and inches. The transformation pictures and stories are very inspirational, and they’re very real. One of the ladies is occasionally in my step class and I always want to shimmy on over to her bench to ask if she’ll sign my unitard. (You’re right, I don’t actually have a unitard, but I did once in 5th grade and not a day has gone by that I don’t miss it.)

Weigh-ins are once a week, measurements are every few weeks. If you gain a pound you owe $5. You also have to take one Obsidian class a week and send in a food diary every week day.

But here’s the best part: The winner gets all the pooled money. That includes entry fees and weight gain money. There are also several other winners (2nd and 3rd place, and whoever loses the most inches) who I’ve heard get spectacular prizes as well.

It appears I can be very driven by money and/or undisclosed prizes.

So here it is:

 I, Jenna, am hereby committing myself to the Dash Holiday Challenge, which begins October 15th and ends January 7, 2012.

I know what you’re thinking: isn’t the world supposed to end in 2012? Believe me, I’ve taken that possibility into account. If the world ends as predicted, at least I’ll go down with the knowledge that I can get through an Obsidian class without gazing longingly at the emergency puking garbage can.

I will be writing about this challenge quite often. What I eat, how my workouts go, what progress I make. If I can muster up the courage to go all Sheryl Yvette I may even post some pictures of my progress along the way. You may even see an additional inspirational quote or two, but let’s not promise anything too crazy, shall we?

 

This Is Going to Make You Wish You Had A Blog

Posted on October 14, 2011 by jenna | 10 Comments | Blogging

Comments on a blog are a big deal. You spend hours working on a post before releasing it into the wild like some kind of wordy boomerang, hoping you’ll get some feedback. You’ve heard the phrase “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours…”

There was absolutely no purpose to my having quoted that. It just sort of happened.

Anyway.

Comments are great because they let you know someone is reading. They also let you get to know your readers a little bit. For example, I know that Twana has a bad habit of sucking up Barbie shoes in her vacuum, and that one of Lori’s twitter followers is Steve Martin (So. Jealous.)  However, if you’ve ever had a blog you know that you’ll get lots of rather interesting comments. Like Martin Dumont (damn him) who gave me a glimpse into blogger stardom and then cruelly dashed my hopes by being spam. Here’s another little gem that popped up under my pending comments this week:

I HEARD THAT NANDOS IN TURKEY CLOSED. SORRY TO HEAR THAT. I KNEW NANDOS’FOODS. I HAD EATEN FOOD TWICE THIS SUMMER. IT WAS VERY DELICIOUS. I BELIEVE THAT TURKEY IS A GOOD MARKET FOR NANDOS. BECAUSE TURKEY IS EMERGING MARKET AND ITS POPULATION IS INCREASING. IN ADDITION, NANDOS CAN GIVE NEW MARKEST THROUGH TURKEY. AND NANDOS PRODUCTS ARE AVAILABLE TURKISH TASTE. I WANTED THAT YOU MUST KNOW THİS. YOURS SINCERELEY. OSMETOZ

You see the value of this particular comment? Without Osmetoz I would have no idea that Nandos in Turkey is closed. I’d possibly have no idea that it even existed. And how else would I know that Nandos products are available Turkish taste?  It’s hard to imagine life without this information. I’m so glad he wanted that I must know this. So thoughtful.

If any of you have any information regarding foreign grocery stores that you think should come to my attention, please comment below.

Thank you.

 

Adventures in Vacuuming

Posted on October 13, 2011 by jenna | 7 Comments | Housekeeping

Dear Whoever Sucked Up My Husband’s Computer Mouse Last Night,

I have an idea of what happened. You were probably trying to do a good deed–vacuuming our sorely neglected little apartment– when you got to the scariest room in the place: the office. You were probably in a hurry because America’s Next Top Model was on soon, so maybe you neglected to lift the spiderweb of computer cords out of your Eureka 300′s way. Then perhaps the cord to the mouse got sucked up and made a horrible sound and you panicked and had to pull the cord out of the mean little machine’s mouth. The wires were stripped and the whole thing was ruined.

It’s okay. I forgive you. And so does David. Particularly after the wonderful tomato soup and grilled sandwiches you made last night.

Sincerely,

The Person Who Will Not Admit to Doing Such a Thing

Twenty Meals / Thirty Days: Salmon with Gingery Asparagus & Bok Choy (#1)

Posted on October 11, 2011 by jenna | 4 Comments | Food & Cooking

“Have sneaking suspicion am also something of a genius in the kitchen.”

   —The Diary of Bridget Jones.

I need you to appreciate the will power it requires to avoid quoting Bridget Jones in every post. One day I’ll give you 1000 words on why I found The Diary of Bridget Jones to be completely inspirational. But today I am going to tell you about my latest endeavor, the idea of which came from Real Simple Magazine: Life Made Easier.

I love magazines. They promise all kinds of things that I simply can’t resist: a ripped bod, a better sex life, an organized house, and the secrets behind Brad Womack’s crazy temper. In other words, for $4.99 my life is about to get a whole lot better.

This month’s Real Simple “Month of Easy Dinners” got me. I’d been on the road for about 8 days and the promise of easy, homemade meals that didn’t require thought made me swoon. (I swoon a lot—thank heavens for smelling salts and a husband who is rather good at catching me.) Basically the article consisted of some gorgeous food photos accompanied by simple(ish) recipes and a grocery list that lets you shop for the whole week. The meals are organized so you use the most perishable items first, thereby negating the need for another trip to the store. All the info is on Real Simple’s website.

My plan is to show you how I make all of these meals. I rarely cook exactly the way a recipe describes, but it usually works out. That is why I love cooking. It doesn’t require me to color in the lines.

This is the plan for this week:

  • Monday – Salmon with Gingery Green Beans & Bok Choy
  • Tuesday – Tomato Soup with Roast Beef, Cheddar and Horseradish Panini
  • Wednesday – Pork Chops with Roasted Beets and Oranges
  • Thursday – Chicken with Potatoes, Bacon and Cabbage
  • Friday – Tortellini with Butternut Squash, Mushrooms, and Fontina

I did the week’s grocery shopping Monday afternoon and spent about $75. I think the money was well spent, because each meal serves 4, which means David will have plenty of leftovers to taunt his coworkers with. (Sorry, coworkers.)

Meal #1: Salmon with Gingery Asparagus & Bok Choy (serves 4)

Bok choy was confusing. Shopping for it consisted of me holding up several large leafy green items to the guy stocking the produce section and asking “Is this a bok choy?” “Is this?” He kept looking over my head when he answered me which was very misleading–was he talking to me? Then I had to YouTube which part to eat and how to cut it up. Doesn’t it look  lovely and healthy? All right, let’s get on in with it.

Ingredients:

  • 2 T + 1 t canola oil
  • 1 & 1/3 lbs skinless salmon fillet, cut into several pieces
  • 4 scallions, sliced thin
  • 2 garlic cloves, sliced thin
  • 1 T chopped ginger
  • 1 large bunch asparagus (I used this instead of green beans and it was a  good choice)
  • 3 carrots, cut into long, skinny strips
  • 1 bunch of bok choy, (or whatever the produce guy sent me home with) washed within an inch of its life and chopped into small pieces
  • Sriracha (or other Asian chili-garlic sauce)

Directions:

Heat 1 tsp olive oil in large skillet over medium high. Season salmon with salt and cook 4-5 minutes per side, until cooked through.

Heat 2 T canola oil in large skillet over medium high. Add scallions, garlic and ginger and cook until things smell really good, about 30 seconds. Add the asparagus, bok choy, carrots plus 1/4 c water and some salt. Cook until all veggies are tender. Season vegetables with sirachara.

Yes, we have a spare bedroom.

And with all these veggies I felt perfectly justified in making brownies using a whole bar of Ghiradelli 60% cocoa chocolate. As usual, I ate my brownie in batter form.