Me not getting football has been a recurring theme in my life.

Exhibit A: Me standing in the stands of the U Stadium with the MUSS, wearing a bright red sweatshirt, sometime forgetting why I was even there.

Exhibit B: Me playing Powder Puff football in high school. In my school there was a yearly girls’ flag football competition, Freshmen vs. Sophomores vs. Juniors vs. Seniors. I was always playing defense because 1. I could not throw the ball. 2. I could not catch the ball. 3. I had no idea what was going on when we planned out our plays. However, I was excellent at pulling people’s flags without pantsing them.

Exhibit C: Dad taking me to play Thanksgiving football with the guys when I was 13. I was immediately deemed worthless when I attempted to tackle a man who was about 20 years older than me and on my own team.

This complete lack of understanding is not entirely my fault. In my defense, I have tried to get with it.

Attempt A: In fourth grade when I realized playing the pink Power Ranger with the boy I liked wasn’t getting me as far as I’d hoped, I checked out a book that claimed it could teach a girl to throw a football and make it spiral. I felt this would be an excellent way to really get things going. Turns out checking out books from library on how to do cool things is not the best way to get a guy into you.

Attempt B: I asked for a tutorial from my football loving cousins. We were at a diner and they used condiment bottles and salt and pepper shakers as visual aids. All I saw was ketchup.

Attempt C: Dating the high school quarterback my senior year. I knew he was excellent choice when he picked me up and did bicep curls with me. I faithfully attended every game, but all I remember is checking out he and his teammates butts in their football pants and taking sweaty pictures.

Now, I consider myself an intelligent person, who is in fact excellent at many things, but football comprehension is not one of them (I have a similar argument for my remote, for the first 6 months of our new TV I would yell “I am an intelligent, college graduate, why the $#%^ can I not work this thing!” One day a written list of instructions (in my husband’s handwriting) appeared on the coffee table and I’ve been much calmer ever since, but back to football–) The fact is, if you live in the U.S. celebrate Thanksgiving, pursue secondary education, or live anywhere near a man (even if he is a computer software engineer), you are probably going to be exposed to regular doses of football and you are going to have to come up with ways to combat your social ineptitude. Learn from my methods:

1. Always know the bare minimum: what sport, what teams, and which color you’re supposed to be cheering for (but don’t refer to a team as being a “color.” This gives you away instantly.)

2. Blend in. When the crowd cheers, you cheer. When they boo, boo along with them.

3. Develop a disgusted head shake. When someone yells something at the TV or field that involves some sort of comprehension, something like: “They should totally challenge that call!” simply shake your head slowly and disgustedly, as if you are saying “I would get riled up, but I know it’s not worth it”

If you feel you need more than these cover-up techniques refer to the NFL’s Beginner’s Guide to Football. It might help.