I think it’s time to get reacquainted. Possibly over tea and wafer cookies. (I’ll wait while you go get them.)

Now let me tell you a little story. There once was a girl who seemed to enjoy making strange observations about everyday life. You know, taking the mundane and turning it into large, overblown blog posts. This is her:

Don’t ask why she took this particular picture. It isn’t important. But it is important to note that this is the last time she wore that knit sweater before its little holes stretched out enough to officially become Lewd And Obscene.

This girl (we’ll call her Green Lemon), had a cute husband and a dog that occasionally could look normal in photos, like so:

(She likes to call this photo “Man or Muppet?” after one of her favorite songs.) A much more typical picture of her dog is something like this:

So one day this girl was minding her own business, and this happened:

Followed by this:

And eventually this:

THE END.

Did you fall for it? Of course not. You’re much too savvy for that. And besides, I haven’t been gone that long.

The baby pictured is Millie. She belongs to my cousin. Unlike my baby, Millie is fully cooked and ready for playing, so I occasionally have to take pictures with her. And make scary monster noises with her. My baby is about the size of an avocado, and in the two ultrasounds we’ve had displays the most delicious pair of chicken legs I’ve ever seen.

So that’s where I’ve been. And no, I haven’t been posting. But I have been writing. I’d like to take this opportunity to present my new series. It is called:

PREGNANT WILDEBEEST.

And there’s a whole line-up of posts waiting to be published. Stay tuned.